Learning How To Fly...

Dear Disney.

You have torn my heart in two, leaving one half saying, “That’s what they do in the movies,” and the other half reminding me that real life wasn’t manufactured in a Hollywood Studio. #PrincessProblems

You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first.

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I’d done alright
And kissed me ‘til the mornin’ light, the mornin’ light
And he kissed me ‘til the mornin’ light

I drove over a dove. A pure white, happy dove! And I drove over it. I’m still in shock… It was probably someone’s child, who broke loose for the day for an adventure, kinda like the parrots in OB, except that it’s the doves in Fort Collins. And I drove over it…I’m a man-slaughterer!! A killer of the soul….

I’m trying really hard.

I tried not crying. That didn’t work.

I tried not calling. But I have your number memorized by heart.

I tried not drinking. But I cried sober and drunk, so it didn’t really matter.

I tried not driving by your house. But let’s be real, I stalked your bus.

I tried sleeping. It took a while to manage. But then…

I tried not dreaming about you. But I suppress you so much throughout the day, that my heart forces you into my thoughts while I’m asleep, because that’s when my guard is down.

I tried eating. But I was too empty to notice the difference between hunger and heartbreak.

I tried not listening to sad music. But it was the only thing that made me stir.

I tried dating other guys. They all suck.

I tried making new friends. They didn’t understand what I had just been through.

I tried forgetting you.

I tried not loving you.

I tried leaving the country.

I tried telling myself that you aren’t worth it- that there is someone better for me. But I’m not a very good liar.

I tried deleting you from Facebook. But you asked why, and asked to be my friend again.

I tried telling my South Park jokes to someone else.

I tried moving on and not caring about you. But it’s not happening.

I resist telling you what’s going on in my life, even though I want to call you everyday to tell you what I ate for breakfast, because I am so desperate to hear you say that you still care.

I’ve been trying for the past eleven months. I’m pathetic.

Silver Stars

About two months ago is when I first noticed the tiny silver stars all over my house. I have no recollection of how these stars got into the house, yet being the only person in this household who is in love with glitter, I can only assume that they were brought into the house by me, either through some package or bag or art project. I know for certain that I did not buy these tiny stars and sprinkle them all over my carpets, though I will admit that it is definitely something that I would do. Maybe I slept drove to Michael’s and/or Hobby Lobby and bought them on a card I do not receive the statement for. Anyhoo, they’re here, all over my carpets; these cute, tiny, little, silver glitter-stars. I won’t lie, they really make me happy. I love being in my room and randomly catching a glimmer from the carpet. When I see these stars, I feel this excitement light in my heart and spread throughout body. I seriously become ecstatic, exclaiming to myself, “Omg there are glittery stars on my floor. Oh look, another one!” A truly wonderful phenomenon. When I haven’t had the best of days, I know that those stars, and my wonderment at the mystery of how they got there, will brighten my soul. Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past my guardian angels as the ones who put them there. They know what makes me happy; they know what makes me see the good side of love. My angels know how to encourage me to keep pursuing every one of my days to the fullest, never letting a chance pass me by. “The world is full of people who will go their whole lives and not actually live one day. She did not intend on being one of them.”

Ugh, dammit! There are FINALLY cute boys from the English Department in my classes and none of them are single. Really??? Ughhhh fuck